Moments of clarity

Here's some tidbits from my recent life moments.....

Bobs been touring with YARN if you haven't heard of them shame on you I bang on about them way too much and bore people with my facebook status informing anyone that will listen when they play next.... I think it became an obsession for a few weeks I d never seen myself as a fan of such a genre of music as country/Americana.. ... but hooked I was after meeting them in Ohio on a much too brief visit to see Beth and Ryan.... in this trip I also got to see alexis and was in awe at her dancing skills that evening.. but that's another story (ask me sometime its a good one )
check out yarnmusic.net

So yes bobs off gallivanting god knows where all over the south and I was just hanging out .. sticking fabrics together and printing in a make shift design room.... and it got a bit tedious.... I didn't really see it at first but I lacked vision on my part as to where I was headed....

If you've ever read my blogs you ll know its been a uphill battle with trying to pursue having a family and this chapter had come to an end before we came home to charles street.. but still its lingered and finally my head had time to think and mull over the options and feelings... maybe a little too much.....

Its not like acceptance is the end then you get on with it.... it still comes over like a wave sometimes and try's it damnedest to pull me down..... and I'm unfortunately guilty of letting it get the better of me and clouding all my judgements on all things that matter most in my life...

Not to get into much more of these details but a simple moment of thoughtlessness and selfishness lead me down a path I wasn't really sure I could cope with..... and that slap in the face is just what happened to me .....

the thing is the kick in the gut made me face up to some lingering problems... and has opened up another doorway of what Im hoping isnt another maze I ll get lost in but hopefully this time I can use this new awakening in my favor and work at being me....

For all ya'll that do know me.... cheers

To follow will be some fun stories about my new employers....... jewish, brothers, ladieswear and me.....

I love working with people that grab your face and say "ginggee!!!" what it means I m led to believe is freckles... ;)

New Life.....
New Thoughts...
New everything....
Its hard returning to something you thought you d left behind.... and New York is a difficult place to leave behind.... but we HAD done it....
Still it called us back and we responded......
Now Im wondering what next Manhattan.. you get me here then what!!? not that you can blame an island for anything .......
But I was asked recently if I was going to continue with my blog and I hadn't thought about it till then ..... but Im back... and so Im going to write about it....

Mostly nothing has changed.. yet at the same time if its possible everything seems to have changed.. people ... places..... time.... design..... and mainly me.....
Im different..... bobs still the same.... and I wouldn't have it any other way....

The main differences I see are there seems to be less bankers running around... or should I say less money flying around.... but that could be just how I see it... Im sure there is plenty of dosh lining the pockets of a good many people.... lucky them eh...
Plenty of things remain the same and I like that but Im less inclined to spend time hanging in wogies these days .. although I am still partial to a cheese steak sandwich... and yes a few beers..... :)
but now im more into yoga and looking after my inner self .... and its something I truly thought I had a good handle on ....my emotional side and the whole infertility situation... but due to circumstances recently this was all brought smashing to the surface again... and I have to say its something I don't think I will ever really fully be ok with.... all I can keep doing is taking that simply day by day.... coming back to new york didn't erase that particular pain and hurt.. but it can heal in other ways... and Im hoping that comes soon.....

The journey ends

There will be no need for the blood tests tuesday.
Halloween night brought us the fright we were both hoping wouldnt come...

So things haven't worked out to plan, but we tried it and gave it the best shot we could...

I would like to thank my husband most for his devotion, love and support .. I hope he can continue to be the man he is and doesn't lose that strength....

Our family on all sides, you have been amazing as always....... we will continue to need all the help you can give whilst we find our feet......

to our friends... thanks for allowing us to burden you at times with our journey and although it turned out to be a sad ending we want you all to know it was worth the attempt and you all helped make it a little easier....

Our journey might have ended but our future isn't set yet ... who knows what may happen...

hormones!!!

Yesterday we were given the news of our blood test the hcg levels came back low, under where they should be in theory at this stage along. Nothing really can be done to change this except waiting till tuesday and repeating the blood test to see if the levels are increasing or not.....hcg levels as of friday are 20...... they should double evey 72 hours at least....
We have been here before and although we both remain as positive as we can we have also embraced the possibility that my body just isn't up to the job..
Nature will do what it wants to and you have no real say....
I myself am disappointed I had really believed this time it would turn out better and maybe it will, we won't know for sure till tuesday....
But presented with the results and knowing my own body it does not look good....
So until tuesday we have to get on with it.. keep busy..... and you never know a miracle might happen...

If not then we remain aunty and uncle... good job we rock at it!!!

On a positive another couple going through this treatment got great news and are definitely pregnant..... I m so happy they got good news and hope for them it turns out all ok..... :)

the transfer

The embryologist was very excited about her findings today and discussed my embryos with so much love.. it was kindof funny... bob and I sitting in blue creased paper gowns and plastic clogs..
The discussion was describing the quality of each we had 1 perfect embryo, 1 good and 3 ok..... going off different criteria which only an embryologist would understand or get excited about....
basically the perfect and good one were dividing on time and looked the right size so on their recommendation we put both back.
The other three were not dividing well and would not survive freezing. :(
But two back was more than we had planned and now we wait... we have between 5-30 % chance of this working ...?
lets just hope its meant to be.....
one time shot!!!
Thanks to everyone for all the support and love and prays..:)
xxx
xxxxxx
xxxxxxx
I ll let you know what happens........

last bit.

News today is very good.. all five eggs were fertilized over night at the clinic
All we have to do now is return monday for insemination and then we wait....
Might be the hardest part yet... waiting......waiting.....
Im over the moon and terrified at the same time.....
:)

baby making factory...

It was like a mad house at the clinic today... busy busy...we had to sit in a corner and wait for our bed as they had five couples and only four beds.... first couple had to recover and get out for us to even begin...
seeing so many men and women coming and going into theatre made me a little anxious its a lot to take in.... I know its one if not the best center in the country but wow.... this many people need help in conceiving...... again wow....
We waited a bit longer then were whisked to our curtained cell to wait a bit longer... I changed and put my gown on wrong.... ah well .... not long after a few more questions to confirm I was me and bob was he..... then a line into my arm for the drugs to be pushed in... bob going slightly green good job he was sitting.....
In the surgery room at the back is a huge glass window and behind it is the amazing people that make peoples dreams come true... they made me again confirm who I am and then it was showtime.... they tell you the drugs make it so you cannot feel anything below your waist and that you ll forget the whole experience in time.... Im not sure...
I have to say it started fine then near the end it hurt.......
hurt enough for me to think wheres the drugs man!!!!! I guess nothing like childbirth.... but still I wasn't expecting that.....
On waking I was alone ... :( they soon got bob back in from the waiting room and we had tea and toast..... then we were told that our total was 5 eggs!!!! not bad...I only need one so 5 is good..
tomorrow we will be informed of how it all fertilized.....
till then sleep chocolate..... more sleep....... and chilling with my family..
:)